it starts with a breath....

five day...without you

2009-11-23T05:42:00.000-08:00

do you realize that life has a cycle?just like God created night and day, the sun and the moon...
so i believe that us, human..also experienced it, when there's up..there's also down.
do you ever feel like no matter what, and no matter how hard you try, you'd always experienced it?i did...

november 17th, 2009
it's tuesday, and i remember you had your choir practice...an ordinary practice on an ordinary tuesday...i remember few hours earlier you texted me bout how starving you were and asked me to bring you bakwan malang (that i never did) i also remember when evening came you told me that you had no one on the place where you were practiced...you called me and we had a hilarious laughs about it, how i was happy that you looked for me when there's no one else to look up to. i remember when the phone hanged up, how i promised you that i will wait for you and never leave you to sleep...and so i did..i may not gave you the courage directly bout that night, but i posted it at my status that night, before i went home and took a shower.

(is sending a positive energy for you...to cheer up!! semangat pol!! ^^)

i remember no matter how sleepy i was, i waited for you to come home...just to know you're okay and couldn't wait to hear your story...i remember....when that time came we talked about every thing just like what we've always do...and i remember when the time comes for you to ask me about my history, how i will never forget that and how i regret it if i knew it will come to this situation...we ended the conversation, left me hanging in my room...just thinking how did you deal with it...i never forget...even when the morning came when you texted me and said we needed to talk, i never forget...even if i was tired working all day at Ritz Carlton, i never forget...

(whatever happens...happens!! cos everything comes for a reason...what you see isn't always what you get, n what you get...isn't always what you want.)

november 19th, 2009
this the day where we talked, the day that for the first time i saw you cried, the day for the first time i heard from your mouth saying that you love me...how it broke my heart just to see you cry, it never across my mind to make you cry...ever! this the day that i will never forget...how you despised my hand when i tried to wipe away your tears, how it broke my heart that you wouldn't even let me to do so...this is the day where i have to skip work and lied to my boss, so that i can give you all the time you asked and needed...this is the day where i cried for the first time since ages just by reading your notes, how i hate my life and all that i've done, how i regret bout everything i've been through in all my life...there will never be enough sorry in this world for it...i'm sorry i bumped into your life, i'm sorry i asked your phone number, i'm sorry you ever know me..barely for nothing...i'm sorry...this is the day where i feel life has cycled...

(need the positive energy that i've sent to you all my friends...to cheer up!! 1st day.)

november 20th, 2009
day two without you...no sms, no calls, no news, nothing...and that's what i've been goin through the day...nothing...the day where we had a party for my boss, for having fun...it was nothing, cos there was no you in it...

(day two. never thought it would be this hard....)

and when the night came and passed by, i knew what to made me feel something...i realized there's no rain all day...i realized at least that day you'd be happy...i never stopped thanking God for it...for not raining and made you happy...

(day two. 21.12 thanking God for not raining today...brarti semua berjalan lancar)

november 21st, 2009
it's saturday...this was the day where i needed your encouragement for my test...this was also the day you had to accompanied your sister to fit her wedding gown.this was the day where you had to sing at the church choir...i remember...

(day three. 07.32 knowing that you're happy and everything perfectly out fine last night, is a gift.... i'll having a test...but the real TEST is make it through the day, and the day after.....)

this was also the day where i think i couldn't handled it anymore...this was the day where i began to lose my senses...i couldn't think of anything, anyone, anymore...

(day three. 13.33 starting to lose my senses...starting to make me insane...)

november 22nd, 2009
it was just passed midnight...i couldn't sleep...cos i slept all day....still couldn't think of anything...cos someone took my mind away

(entering day four. 00.13. can't think of anything....someone took my mind away...)

but this was also the day i had this thinking that i have to do something...i was planning to see our maker...have a conversation at His house, think He might have answers to my questions, hoping He can eased my burdens...

(day four. sunday, 12.00. planning to visit God at His house this afternoon, hopefully He can answer my questions and ease my burdens...)

and at night when i went home...i saw how you crave asking to be hungry and searching for your soul...how you killed me deep down, to know that you're tortured...maybe by me...how it made me sad...this the day where i cried again...please don't do that again....

(day four, 19.43. just got back home from the house of God, He answered some of my questions by giving me what i want...it's raining, tiny rain, she'd love it! but please...have something to eat, cos i always pray for your health.)

november 23rd, 2009
woke up to think i can't see you...when this is supposed to be the day where i used to see you, the beginning of the week...the first day i have to go to work....how it hurts me badly...

(day five, 06.59. monday..regular monday..the day where i used to see you every morning, every week. but not today, not this monday...not this morning, not this week...sigh)

but God is kind...God is nice...i saw this girl from a distance right straight from me, with her bright orange bag at her right arm walked towards me...i remember it was 07.10 in the morning...i remember whose bag is that...but i had to choose to honor our deal...your deal...that we shouldn't meet at least this week...and so i turn, hurrying so that you can't see me...afraid...and how it hurts me even more...
nothing different at the office...it's just regular monday...but you know what?today, i have a raised salary!! i praise the God, thanking Him for it...how i'm thrilled to tell you this news pol...how i wanted to tell you this...but i can't!! how it hurts me more and more....

(day five, 20.15. i made a mistake, sorry for breaking the deal...it's just that, i had a good news, wish i can share it with you now...^^)

2009-11-22T04:43:00.000-08:00

day four, 19.43.
just got back home from the house of God.He answered some of my questions by giving me what i want...it's raining, tiny rain..you'd love it!you'll be happy by it!! cos i am when you are...
i know how you love the rain...small drops of water coming from the sky, how the lands wet by it, how you'd love the smell and how the wind gently breeze you...i read bout how you ask Him to walk beside you in the rain, somehow i did...by pouring the rain before me, i feel He is beside me...replacing you, giving imagination bout the smile in your face, thinking that you're happy...oh how i'm happy as well.
i may forgot few things lately, i forgot to cheer you n gave you the courage for the choir in your church that happened yesterday...i'm sorry, i'd never forget of what you do n will be doing...i remember you'll go to campus tomorrow, on every monday, thursday n friday. i remember how your coming enthusiast me, every single day of the week...how every of your smile lift me for the day ahead...how your every single story makes me smile n laugh in the morning, day or night...it's a gift every time i wake up in the morning, i never think how hot the sun will shines upon me or how heavy the rain will wet me...i just think of you.
i never ask for your forgiveness, cos i've made mine with God...i don't want you to forget it, cos i won't forever...i just want you to understand me, for what i've done, for every story i've told, for everything...
i'm hoping to ask you out again, knowing your every details, meet your family and talk to your mom and dad, your sisters, eat at places we've never been before, see movies i've always craving for, drinking coffee beside you, hold your hand and just look you in the eye, telling from heart to heart of how happy i will be...cos it's been a while for me to meet a girl like you, i might have waiting my whole life just to see and know you...how i'm grateful for it and there's nothing happier than that.
i'm sorry and i miss you...deeply

ps : please eat something, even if you're not hungry...you're killing me by not doing so, cos i always pray for your health n happiness.

feel like a dumb fooled by a dumber....

2009-01-31T13:38:00.000-08:00

i actually don't know where to start....maybe by numbers.....humm.....

it was 3 o'clock in the morning, i just got home from my daily routine...n at the bathroom i had this thinking..."i'll text her..." (dan kata-katanya udh g susun pastinya) hehehe
so around 3.30 i texted her...this was how it goes :

Hi, i know u're probably asleep by now, i was just thinking, do u wanna go out? watch a movie maybe? i know it's a last minute call, so i totally understand if u can't or don't want to...but if u do can (n want it either hehehe) let me know n text me, ok?
well that's all...hehehe nite, sweet dream.

by 4 i've fallen asleep...but at around 5.30 i was awake, checked my phone incase she just got up n replied me...nope, there was nothing...
the shitty thing was...i couldn't get back to sleep, till around 8...i was back to sleep.....
around 10 someone's knocking my door, woke me from my SLEEP!! n did such unimportant things!! for fuck sakes...can i just go sleep??
oh!! i checked my cell...still nothing happened...."fine, she hasn't wake yet..."
so i was back...(to my sleep) untill around 1 pm i got this text message!!
i opened it anxiously, thrilled....but i was surprised....shocked....(n a bit of) giggled...."are you fuckin kiddin me!?!?!"

THIS IS WHAT SHE WAS SAYING.....
"alow vis, gile bnr inggrisnya jago euy...:)
Hahahaha..."

i mean...WTF!?!? is this serious!?!?! hahahahahahahahaha damn it!!
jadi yah seharian ini g cm baca berulang-ulang tu sms dan berpikir....WTF!?!?
hahahahahahahahaha i feel like a dumb-ass....it was a bad idea maybe, asking her out, in english!!
i literally can't stop laughing....hahahahaha fuck!

Nice To Know You...

2009-01-19T16:49:00.000-08:00

i see black clouds, i see white clouds...
i'm standing, smoking, observing...
i see people come and go, i see happy faces...girls in fancy dresses...
then i wonder, what if the black clouds suddenly rage and pour the rain heavily?

my imagination sets me to a happy face, but not in a fancy dress...
Ha Ha Ha...i laugh, silently...hoping to see it coming.
soon...real soon...then i wanna know what will happen when they hear the sound of thunder...

as i see the sky, the clouds emerge...transform into grey, the lightning sparks...it roars...the sound of thunder
but i'm not happy...why i can't be happy?
as i see deep down, my heart isn't purged...it's all grey, no lightning sparks...no roars...
then i realize, where's my sound of thunder?

and all of a sudden i see her passes by...
as i standing, smoking, focusing...i realize she took my thunder!!

and she sees me! she smiles at me and walks toward me!
i'm in agony, in pain...i'm confuse but my body's just still...

she opens her mouth, she talks...i hear her voice clearly...suppossed to be smooth, suppossed to be fragile, suppossed to be friendly...but it's not!! i hear it clearly...it's my thunder!!

she sits accross me, stares at me...
the world crumbles...my body tremble...
she opens the conversation, asking me a question...
i can't stand it! i can't hide it!

take a glass of water...zip it...
take a ciggarette...lit it...
cells in my brain move...spreading the electricity
blood in my vein flows...shivering the skin

i see the clouds blacken...i see the water pouring...
i know, this is what my imagination wants...to set me a happy face
so i stand...i smile...and i say "goodbye, nice to know you"

Nice To Know You-Incubus

Better than watching Gellar bending silver spoons
Better than witnessing newborn nebulaes in bloom
She who sees from up high smiles and surely sings
Perspective pries your once weighty eyes and it gives you wings
I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify
I'm beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb, pins and needles, nice to know you
Goodbye, nice to know you
Goodbye, nice to know you
Deeper than the deepest Cousteau would ever go
And higher than the heights of what we often think we know
Blessed she who clearly sees the wood for the trees
To obtain a birds eye is to turn a blizzard to a breeze
I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify
I'm beginning to notice how much this feels
Like a waking limb, pins and needles, nice to know you
Goodbye, nice to know you
Goodbye, nice to know you
So could it be that it has been there all along?

too young or too old?

2009-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

so am i still young or already old? at some point i'm still young (soon i'm gonna be 26) but on the other hand i'm too old...why is that?? i don't know...it's only a matter of perspectives i think...

but in my (own) opinion i'm too old, old enough to do something, old enough to be somebody, and probably (as my parents would think) old enough to raise a family...hehehe but instead doing all of those things (you know, do something, be somebody, n stuff) here i am...sitting in front of a monitor, having thoughts of being a useless human being (is this a correct sentence??ah who cares anyway...) it's just that, i feel like i haven't done anything "super", anything "great", on the contrary all i have done is stupid things, said stupid words, behaved like a STUPID person...hehehe fuckin' headphone...FYI while writing this down i'm also listening songs through a *fuckin* headphone, it's fade in and out...makes me forgetting what i'm gonna write next...ass*ole...hehehe so anyway, where was i? yeah so i'm soon going to be 26...and i have these "things" i think i can't handle...so i've been thinking in the last few days that i might stop and might start to find a new one...but it all depends though, depends on lots of things...we'll see....

now let's see on my (own second) opinion...i think that i'm still too young...coz all i know God must not gave me 26 years *only* to live (God knows), all i know that i still have a long road ahead...n maybe i'll die becoz of old age (like between 60-70 years old) so looking back now, i'm still too young...right?? i still want to do things, still having ambition to be somebody, and might raise a family...(this of coz depends...) hahahaha

so how bout you?? do you think that you're still young or old already??

just a stupid story of a stupid coin toss

2009-01-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

do you ever believe in a coin toss? i don't...but sometimes i do it anyway, why? i have no idea...maybe becoz i just need an alibi n think it might works...

just not so long a go (few minutes exactly) i want n don't want to do something...so for an answer i was reaching a coin in my pocket (usually i always carry it, at least one) but this time the only thing in my pocket is anything but the coin (!@#$!#*!) so i decided "not just a coin that has two sides"...therefor i took a....1000 rupiah bill (yes, it also has two sides!) n then i flipped it!!

the result was devastating...i was "told" to not do the thing...n so i did....but minutes go by n i can't help myself, so i borrowed a coin from a friend n flipped it (wasn't satisfied), flipped it again (dilemma), so for the last time, i flipped it again...n this time the is the final "answer" ...i have to do it n so i did.

i probably haven't mentioned that "it" refers to a phone call...so here goes nothing, i grabbed my cell, pushed the speed dial, listening her ringback tone....*still listening*.....nothing happened....i smiled...friggin' smiled it is!

i breath...*sigh*....despera

te...."believing in a stupid coin toss!!" i said....."no more supersticious" i said...

the morale of my stupid story of the stupid coin toss is don't depend too much on things...u could just listen to your heart n hear what u really want....not on some luck, or worse...a coin toss....

*okay, gotta go...she didn't call me back but she just sent me a text message...got a reply to do*
hehehehe

previously published on my facebook account on Sunday, January 4th 2009

a new untitled post.

2008-11-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

Sebenernya seh gw gamau kesini...badan cape (encok lbh tepatnya), engap (kebanyakan ngeroko kynya) dan blom keramas pula...(rambut lepek detilnya) hehehe tapi apa daya, setelah jalan lumayan jauh *toko-alfamart-lewatin toko lagi-kekosan* ternyata gw ga bs masuk kosan...slot bawahnya dikunci dan gw ga bs ngapa2in...hmmm....sepertinya memang ditakdirkan untuk kesini...hmmm...apa emang gw-nya aja yang mo kesini?hmmm....you decide.

maka ditambahlah jarak perjalanan jauh gw...dari kosan, kesini, naek lantai 3 pula...(FYI ampe dengkul gw gemeteran) hahahaha
duduk...*geser-geser pantat biar posisi nyaman* nyalain komp....lit a ciggarette...(sok keren bhsnya)...dan dimulailah petualangan di dunia maya ini...which is pathetic actually...why?coz somehow i see pathetic faces here...speak to a computer, with their fingers on the keyboard and eyes staring at the screen...not to mention the headphone on their ears.....inhales and exhales smokes at a time....*which is so me right now....:p*....there's even a guy who bought billing just to sleep on the chair...i mean, wtf!? did you burb money or something!?!?!

ya eniwei...entah ada apa dengan msn...sangat menyebalkan, bentar2 reconnecting, site i-meem pun gitu...denger lagu dikit trs keputus...jadi seperti menjawab pertanyaan sendiri di atas...sepertinya seh gw ga ditakdirkan kesini deh...cuma gw nya aja yang pengen dateng, browsing, chat (klo masih ada org yg bangun), dan sepertinya nge-blog....entah ada apa dengan blog (kaya dejavu) cm aja karna kemaren pengen nulis (ngetik seh) trs skrg jadi macam berkewajiban untuk nulis lagi...(damn!! ngetik lagi mksd gw)

Dan akhirnya inilah hasilnya...a new untitled post....

it starts with a breath...

2008-11-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

Psychiatrist : "hello.."

Man : ".......mam'..."

Psychiatrist : "have a seat...something new bothering you?"

Man : "i...don't know..i must...breath.....it always starts with a breath....can i smoke here?" *lit a ciggarette*

Psychiatrist : "please, you can breath...and we can get started"

Man : "i...i think it was a dream, i was walking in a.....in an unknown surrounding....*sigh*"

Psychiatrist : "and then?"

Man : "the first thing i remember that there's a sign...it says Loneliness Hotel, i think it's kinda funny name, i mean...uhh...i mean...forget it..."

Psychiatrist : "go ahead....."

Man : "it's just....kinda funny name for a hotel.....can we rest the subject bout this name thing?"

Psychiatrist : "okay....so what's happened next?"

Man : "so i, entered the lobby....somehow my mind said that i should stay here, so i went to the receptionist....and uh...the strange thing was...that...the receptionist was me!! or at least looked like me...so anyway i filled the form n' stuff....and i asked the bell boy carry my bags.....*sigh* but....but i didn't even remember i was carrying any bags!!"

Psychiatrist : "that's fine...it's normal...then what happened?"

Man : "well uhm...i was...uh....*sigh* So the bell boy came, he's a...fine looking young man by the way....n' uh...yes, he carried the bags to my rooms n' i tipped him...."

Psychiatrist : "you said he's a fine looking young man, did you recognize him??in any chance?"

Man : "yes...he was me, he was...the young version of me...."

Psychiatrist : "i see...go on...."

Man : "yes...uhm...so....i walked in the room, i looked around....i even tried the bed hehehe...ehmmm....*clear throath*.....n' uh i entered the bathroom.....i checked the tub incase of dirts n' stuff...n' then i washed my face....i washed it over, n' over, n' over...then i shocked!! it wasn't me in the mirror!! for christ sake...it wasn't me!!....it's...it's..."

Psychiatrist : "calm down....tell me whom you saw....just relax and take a deep breath..."

Man : "....it's uhm...i don't know, i might be losing my mind.....it's my dead wife's face!! but you see...my wife isn't dead...yet.....but uh...it's her!!....it was her alright!!..."

*beep beep beep*

Psychiatrist : "it's okay....calm down.....listen, nothing's wrong...people dreams all the time, it's natural...*sigh* *put the ciggarette butt on the ashtray* but unfortunately our time's up....would you like to go for another session next week?"

Man : "uhm.......ye...*crack*

*door open*

Psychiatrist's assistant : "i'm sorry sir....your next patient is ready...."

Psychiatrist : "huh? oh....yes....thanks Gina, just gimme a sec and then send him right in"

Psychiatrist's assistant : "yes sir."

Psychiatrist : *whispering* "it's okay....it's just a dream.....it's nothing but a dream....."

Patient : "hi doc.........

FIN